blue or pink?

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Seeing as my Dr wants me to wait until 22-24 weeks to get the fetal survey ultrasound (where they give gender and check all the anatomy etc) and seeing as I’m super impatient and want to get the baby room together and buy things, etc…..I went ahead and scheduled a “gender only” ultrasound at an outside/elective ultrasound place.  For $50 they give us a basic 2D, gender only peek at our little bundle.  At first I was super excited and literally felt I would explode from having to wait 2 more weeks to find out. But as the time approaches I get more and more anxious/nervous/terrified/nauseous. Really, my stomach hurts. It HURTS. Its that pit-in-your-gut/lump-in-your-throat feeling you get before a big test or talking in front of a group of people.

I think it all stems from fear.

Although my belly is visibly bigger and I haven’t been feeling “normal” for the past 15 or so weeks, I really don’t get that I’m preggo. It just doesn’t seem real. I think I’ve almost been blocking it out of my head.  I have tiny moments, when I allow myself to get excited and think about the “fun” things involved in having another child.  But for the most part, I think I may be in denial.  I don’t want to panic/freak out about having a second kid. I want to live in my fantasy world where everything stays the same and there are no major life changes that involve pain, bleeding, special squirt bottles for my hoo-ha, sore boobs, leaky boobs, lack of sleep, exhaustion, crying, poop…..and more poop. Ok I really don’t mind poop. Most people with multiple kids keep telling me going from 1 to 2 kids doesn’t just double the workload, its exponential. “Oh honey, it’s like going from 1 to 6!”

I keep reminding myself how many negative comments I received before having my first babe.  All the horror stories and the “oh just wait”s.  And we are all still living. And really loving our life. With my first, the one thing that always brought a smile to my face was the thought of seeing my husband as a dad. Now my happy place is picturing my daughter as a big sister. It’s going to be a wild ride. Boy or girl, I’ll just have to be ready!