What’s That Like?

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I want to look at food, especially sweets and carb-heavy delights and not think “I wonder how many carbs that is….I wonder how that will affect my blood sugar…how much insulin would it take…will I regret eating this.”

I wonder what it would be like to wake up and not have to check my sugar. To sit down to a meal and not have to check my sugar. To go straight to bed without having to check my sugar. To get up in the middle of the night to pee and not have to check my sugar. To take a long drive without having to check my sugar. To exercise and not have to check my sugar and worry about my sugar going too low. To fall asleep and not have to worry about waking up/or not waking up because of low blood sugar.

I don’t want to think about a future with diabetes, I don’t want to think I’ll have to deal with complications.

I want to go on vacation without having to pack a suitcase worth of pump supplies, insulin, strips, glucose, juice and snacks.

I wonder how not having diabetes would affect my anxiety and depression.

I don’t want to deal with people’s assumptions and ignorance about diabetes. No I didn’t get diabetes from eating too much sugar, yes I can eat this cupcake, no not everyone goes blind and gets their legs chopped off by diabetes.

It would be nice to eat sugary foods in front of others and not wonder if they are judging me.

No injections, no pump. Sweet freedom would be just that….sweet.

How awesome would it be to go somewhere, anywhere and not have to carry a purse. Without my purse I panic. No glucose meter, no glucose, no juice, no glucagon, no lifeline?!?! (I won’t get in an elevator without my sugar checker and some glucose….neurotic? Maybe.)

I’d love not to have to prick my fingers 8+ times a day (my fingertips will never be normal)

I want to watch survival/apocalyptic/zombie films and my first thought isn’t “Where would I get my insulin? What about strips? Where can I find the twinkies? How long would I live? Would people eat me? If they did, would I taste sweet?”

I wanna shop for that cute little black dress or skimpy jammies and not think “ok where will my pump fit in all this?”

 

Diabetes is a day in, day out, non-stop thrill ride. It doesn’t recognize national holidays, it doesn’t take moments of silence, it doesn’t discriminate, it doesn’t take pity and it doesn’t play favorite, it doesn’t care how busy your life already is. It is relentless. But I’ve learned to adapt. There really is no choice in the matter. You adapt and learn to work with your condition, or you live a miserable, bitter, angry existence. Do I get angry? Yeah, but a lot less than I used to. I used to throw my meter across the room in frustration. I used to cry about how shoddy this disease is. But now I can’t really remember what life was like before diabetes. I get frustrated, I get annoyed, I hate diabetes at times, there are days when it’s just not fair. But you deal with it, you press on and hope that you’re a stronger, more compassionate person because of it.