In and Out

· by · in

Sooooo, seventeen months after popping out my lovely daughter, I think it’s time to buckle down and make another.

Not an easy decision on my part. The oak tree has been ready for some time. I, on the other hand, am still adjusting to “mom life.” I go through the motions, I do the mom tasks, but I don’t always feel like a mom, I don’t like the “mom” label. I look at my little beauty and can’t believe she spent nearly 40 weeks growing inside of me. I spent 30+ hours working her out. And she will be a part of my life for always. Feels surreal.

And I’ll say it. I’m selfish. I miss my “me” time, I miss it being just the oak tree and I. I NEED alone time, I crave it. That’s hard with a toddler. And how much harder will that be with two kids?

And my anxious mind runs rampant.

Will I love them the same? Will my daughter feel slighted? Will I lose all sense of who I am? Will oak tree and I still get date nights? Will we become those people that call each other “Mom” and “Dad” even when the kids aren’t around? Will the kids become more important than each other? Will we be too tired for fun?

I’m a diabetic, so getting pregnant comes with some extra stress. Poor blood sugar control means baby could have birth defects and/or we both could have complications. Best outcomes involve pre-planning and getting sugars controlled BEFORE conceiving. It’s work. It’s discipline. Will I have a hard time with my blood sugars? What if I can’t control them and I ruin the baby? Will there be complications?

THEN I go to the dark side: What if the baby doesn’t make it? What if I don’t make it? What if carrying another baby is so hard on my body, I develop lifelong problems? What if Steel Magnolias is real, my kidneys shut down and I die? What if I birth a larva like Geena Davis in The Fly? What if…what if…what if. My whole life is “what if.” It’s dumb.

I get glimpses of how ridiculous my thoughts are; I have fleeting moments of feeling empowered and strong. I’m working on making those moments a permanent part of my thought life. I can totally have a second baby (Lord willing). I did it all once before… And I rocked it. I loved being preggo. I loved the feeling of confidence it gave me. I loved feeling that little bundle do flip flops inside of me. I loved seeing my belly grow. I loved how everyone wanted to feed me and give me their seat and let me go to the bathroom first. Everyone loves a preggo belly. New life is amazing. And siblings are the best.

Ok…so maybe I’m a little excited.